Intrusive thoughts

Some days are good and some days are bad and then there are the days when everything seems to be jumbled and confusing. These are often the days when those intrusive thoughts are there, waiting for those quiet moments so they can overtake everything.

There are days when these thoughts are manageable and I can block them out and then there are the days that they make me feel so small and inadequate and that I don’t matter. Those are the dark days, the days where you feel that the world hates you and people are only nice to you because they have to be, not because they care.

These are the thoughts that make even getting to work feel like and enormous challenge, the thoughts that make you feel that not a single person would notice if you were not there. These are the worst thoughts and there are times when you can do nothing about them. Mine have been a bit like this for a few days now and try as I might I cannot shake them. I am trying to keep myself as busy as I can by working and working, this helps a bit and I know that by focussing on work I am not thinking too much about anything else.

This is the worst these thoughts have been in a very long time and the worst thought I keep having is that I’m just not good enough and that one day someone is going to tell me that I’m just not good enough at what I do and there is no longer a place for me. This thought has unfortunately been spurred on by struggling to manage my time between work, uni and family life and has been made even more difficult by those who say it was my choice to study and they don’t get why I’m bothering. This definitely makes me feel that I would not ever be good enough to be a teacher and that when in my current role I’m not right.

I am trying so hard to ignore these thoughts but they just will not go away. Maybe it’s the end of term tiredness and having been ill this term already. Maybe it’s the thought of Christmas and the worry that it will be like all of the previous ones. I just wish these thoughts would go and let my mind get some rest.