It has really dawned on me recently that I actually have no friends. If I were to disappear nobody would even notice and even if people did notice I know they would not care.
I have spoken before about how my upbringing really affected my friendships and being able to form and maintain any friendships. But today it has really hit me just how few people care about me.
I would not even begin to know how to make friends at my age and I am struggling so much at the moment just to leave the house. This is due to a combination of still having the covid fear as well as not feeling safe to really go anywhere and all of that tied in with the constant “where are you?” Phone calls from my sister (again these are not call of concern. They are definitely calls to demand to know what time I will be home and to know why she wasn’t invited). I know this is one reason I’m not invited out any more because the calls and messages were non stop and I could not enjoy myself.
I just feel so trapped in my life at the moment and I know I am the only one who can change this but even moving out has had to be put on hold as I cannot even afford to save.
I honestly just do not know how to feel anymore or even how to exist. Part of me knows that there is a huge connection to never grieving for the loss of family and friends but I just do not know how to. I find it difficult to cry and all I really want is someone to tell me it will be okay and to have a person in my life who wants to look after me.
Even at work I am constantly feeling like any minute someone is going to tell me just how bad I am at my job and I am no longer needed.
Journeying through mental health 