If I could do one thing in life it would be to write a letter to my ten year old self and get ten year old me to do things differently. I would also explain to ten year old me some of the things that I ended up doing and how to do it differently. So here goes:
My dear beautiful Rachel,
I know that things are tough and you feel so very very unloved. You must learn to love yourself, this will become so important for you. Fill your head with the things that are good about you, remember that no matter what people tell you now you are kind and it is positive that you love reading and want to learn. I know that it contradictory that one minute you are called stupid and the next your are teased for your love of reading.
Please please find an adult you can trust and explain what happens at home. Even if this is not now and you have to wait until secondary school. Secondary school will be difficult and due to everything you do struggle to fit in. Please try to make some friends and try not to let what you are told about people stop you making friends. I know that it is difficult when you are being filled with getting told that people do not like you.
We do some stupid things as we get older but maybe we need to explain why we have done these things. You will run away twice once when you are 12 and again when you are 14. You should use these as your opportunity to explain why and how you are living in an abusive and toxic home. They will tell you that if you say anything you will be put into a children’s home. While that may happen if you do say something you may also get the right help sooner. You will also begin to self-harm at 15. If you tell someone they will be able to help you to understand that this is all to do with mental health and it really does have a deep rooted connection to everything.
Right now you want to have children when you are older. This feeling will come and go, the idea of passing on mental illness will be enough to stop you having a child. You will still be single at 36 as well unless you can get out of this situation.
He does go when you are 25 but you end up staying at home and becoming career to everyone. You have another sister as well who is sixteen years younger than you and treats you like rubbish and is so controlling it’s like he never went. However you will also end up with six cats who actually need you and would miss you.
Never give up on your dream of being a teacher it might take you a while but you will get there and you will find you end up with an amazing work family who are so supportive of you and care so much. (Some days this will feel like the only positive in your life and if you live your life differently you may not get them).
Please be happy Rachel and remember you will be loved by people even if it’s not by your own family. Try to get help early on and love your happiest best life.
Love
Adult Rachel
Journeying through mental health 