Hooray there is a light at the end of the cove tunnel or at least that’s how I felt last night. I was so excited that I could start making plans and trying to enjoy my life again. That was all until my youngest sister started trying to dictate to me about what I can and cannot do.
Ever since the pandemic began she has managed to try and control our lives ranging from where I can and cannot go to constant phone calls to see where I am. This is all between her telling me how to clean and what I’m allowed to buy. She says she does it all because she cares anyone who has lived with somebody who is abusive will know that this how they control you. I spent long enough living like that because of my dad and my youngest sister is just like him. She has to know where we are at all times and will constantly ring if I am in a night out.
Back to the light at the end of the tunnel. There I was excitedly making birthday plans and off she goes telling me I will not bro going anywhere and screaming and shouting. This is why I end up not going out as I know when I get home she will be there screaming and shouting or she will constantly ring until I am so annoyed I end up leaving everywhere early. I know people will laugh that I am in fear of a 19 year old but when she threatens to stab you or throw you down the stairs or throws things at you it’s easy to see why.
So tonight I exploded a bit. She started spraying at me with antibacterial spray and I told her she had sprayed me enough and went to move from her. In the process my “dirty” hands touched her and off she went throwing things and screaming at me so I told her that I wished I was in hospital on a ventilator away from her (yes I know I shouldn’t have said it but she pushed me so far the words just came out). She genuinely believes that she is the only person in the world to be stressed by the pandemic and if you had to go to a supermarket with her you would want to punch her (the way she shouts about people not wearing masks is unreal and I’m honestly surprised nobody has hit her yet).
So on June the 21st when everyone is enjoying themselves in the pub I will be at home and on my birthday when I was so excited to be able to be out with friends I will be at home wishing that I was living somewhere else (I am still saving to move out) and as for hugs I honestly think if anyone was to hug me I’d burst into tears. I know I should be stronger but it’s so difficult when you have to live with it constantly.
The only thing that has kept me going throughout the pandemic is the hope that things will return to normal. This past year has been tough on all of us and living in my house has been so tough, not being able to be out has nearly broken me and it feels like it isn’t getting any better.
This honestly isn’t a poor me post. I just need to get my feelings out. My youngest sister will never know what it was like for me growing up and she doesn’t believe that I have any mental health issues because of my past. She doesn’t see how much she affects my mental health as well.
As always please stay safe and love those who love you.
Journeying through mental health 