It’s beginning to look a like Christmas and while so many people are starting to feel the excitement I am beginning to feel full of dread. As I’ve said before I never had happy Christmases growing up, most were filled with fear. Which is something that so many children still face even more so in the current climate. It’s difficult for children to say to their friends and their teachers that they do not enjoy the holidays and this can be for so many reasons.
For me Christmas has always been a time of awful arguments and at times violence. Definitely something that when I was growing up you didn’t mention (mostly due to a dear of being put in a children’s home- which is what we were told would happen if we spoke out). In hindsight this may not have been a bad thing. Still, as I got older and started working I found that even if you are in a home without love there are still plenty of people who do care.
Last Christmas was particularly tough my mum and youngest sister had a row on Christmas Eve and seemed to enjoy causing upset. Usually they save it all for Christmas day. Both made me feel that everything that has gone wrong in their lives was my fault. I genuinely was at my lowest ebb and considered just walking out of my life, I had no idea where I was going but I just wanted to go. The only thing that stopped me that night was the cat sleeping on me and every time I moved he moved with me. It stopped me and made me realise once again there are living things that need me there.
This year having come to terms with my mental health and how even though I have tried to ignore it my past has definitely shaped me, for the most part in positive ways (I am mostly patient and caring) it has also shaped me in negative ways too (I am always fearful and struggle a lot socially). I have also realised that even family can he out for just themselves (imagine telling your mother you have depression and her response being “so what so do I”). I have also come to realise just how controlling my youngest sister is with demanding to know where I am to sometimes threatening me with violence not to mention how aggressive she gets of I go out for drinks.
So needless to say I have not been feeling festive at all this year and my plan over the break is to eat, hibernate and go for very long walks. However I did find some festive cheer today, not a lot and nowhere near as festive as I usually feel for work but I am working on it. I know I will not feel it at home but with the arrival of some gifts I am ready to spread some love with those who I know care.
Remember it’s not a happy tone for everyone and this is not a poor me post just getting my feelings out. Stay safe and look after each other x
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Journeying through mental health 