A bit about me.

I don’t really know where to begin in all honesty. I guess I should start with a bit about me, I am 35 and have always felt lost as myself, I have never really known who I am or how to fit in. As I have gotten older I have realised that fitting in is not super important but it has also resulted in me having very few friends. This is not to say that I don’t have friends it is more a case of being selective in who to tell things to.

Growing up wasn’t easy I did not exactly grow up in a loving home, my dad was violent and my mum well it’s hard to describe, she didn’t exactly care. I mean there was food on the table and we had clean clothes but she was not interested in any form of emotional well-being unless it meant she was going to get some attention from it all.

I was never allowed out with my friends so as you can imagine I never had any friends throughout secondary school or college. Even when I started work and went out with them I was collected from wherever I went and usually by 9pm. Again this had huge impacts on work relationships.

When I was 15 my mother got pregnant and resulted in my youngest sister. Who for the most part I am close to. My dad finally left us when I was 25 and I took on a lot of responsibility meaning that I didn’t go out very much and started ensuring all bills were taken care of alongside my other sister.

Ultimately my mother has used all of this as an excuse for her behaviour and I have had to put up with so many people telling me I have to be there for her and be the strong one because of what she went through as if none of it had any impact on my life or well-being.

My youngest sister has anxiety and often this results in her anger being taken out on me. My mother has depression and I am piggy in the middle of her and my youngest sisters arguments.

Anyway I am planning to blog how I cope and find coping strategies to ensure I do not go completely insane.